Dilemma. Dilemma.

I have been wasting spending time on two short stories that have now grown waaaaay out of control! They both started as 1K shorts prompted by FWO monthly challenges. I already missed the deadlines, and that should be telling enough for me to give up and move on to other more useful activities/projects. Furthermore, I also know they’re both self-indulgent types, meaning that they’re either too trashy or too preachy for me to share with anyone, let alone try to publish. I’m pretty sure I’m writing them purely for my own amusement, because I enjoy seaming my garrulous thread of thoughts  into a kind of talecloth, and making my characters dance on it, exploring my ideas (and ideals) with me in their chimerical journey.

But as much as I enjoy writing them, I am also having anxiety attacks trying to write it in a charming way, keep to the original plot and contain these ideas into coherent paths. In other words, I both adore and abhor this adventure.

So … why oh why the heck don’t I just stop?

I continue to experience remorse, thinking that my spare time should better be spent doing other things more worthy: like thinking up the next movie project, or getting my songs done, or writing up the rest of my NiP, or exercising, or cleaning up the house, or gardening (*gasp* okay, you’d need a whole lot of strength and extremely effective persuasionto get me near the greens *ugh*)… but what do I do? I get lost in these two projects I know for sure will never see the light of day.

Is writing supposed to be both enchanting and injurious like this? Does this count as procrastination? If I trade my hours on internet with indulging/torturing myself on these two stories – is that a better way to waste time? If I claim that this is my way to relax (visiting otherwordly places and pretend I am useful there), is that the same as … say… doing yoga? I mean it’s not like I’m not doing anything. I’m doing something, it’s just that perhaps this something is as useful as a cigarette butt down the drain.

Reading back, it sounds like I’m both sadistic and making excuses. I’m not. I’m just pleading for you to agree with me that it is okay for me to keep wasting my time and torturing myself on these stories :p

Actually, I just need to get it off my chest and about time I update my blog so…  Thanks for listening to my rambling!! Have a good day!